A Bizarre Incident

I am trying hard not to recall all the sad incidents that happened during Maz's illness as these will trigger  a depressed feeling in my heart. But I need to write it so that I can share with others and thus lessen my pain....I hope. 

After her surgery to remove her ovary and half of her stomach, Maz was losing weight and getting weaker. She refused to do chemotherapy. She decided to go to Healing Zone under Dr Jeya in Melaka to boost up her immune system. On 1st July 2014, I drove her to Ayer Keroh where the clinic is. I have never driven so fast in my life and all along reciting ayatul-Kursyi. We drove in silence, both busy with our own thoughts. 

My car engine ruined

The collapsed 6 feet wall

Thank God, nobody was in the surau

The innocent staff car dented

As I parked at the compound of the clinic, the nurses came out to take Maz to the treatment room. I got into my car again to re park properly. When I started the engine and push in the Reverse gear, the car jerked backward so fast suddenly. I pushed the D gear, it lunged forward, then backward again hitting a car parked at the far back. I didn't know what was happening. Then it flew forward and hit the 6 feet wall in front and the wall just crumbled down. When it was backing once again I grabbed the auto stick and said in confusion 'Ya Allah, apa ni?'  I managed to push to N gear and the car stopped. Everybody rushed out to help me. I remember bending down to take my handbag at my feet and one of the staff said 'Leave it. We will take it for you.' I was brought to the Ayurvedic section of the clinic and the psychologist came to talk to me. 

I was in shock and confused. What was happening? As I told the psychologist ' Yes, I am depressed, Yes I am sad, angry and confused but I am not mad, I am sane and I am a good driver. It wasn't me driving that car. I know my car. Why in heaven's name did I want to drive forward and backward so many times for no reason? My handbag was still at my feet, I couldn't accelerate. I didn't use my seat belt but I sat straight at my seat in spite of the great impact when it hit the wall down. By right my chest would have hit the steering wheel hard. Why was the auto stick became so stiff and I could not even shift it to P or N? All the while I was aware of what was happening but I was helpless. My car  was a wreck. The whole engine collapsed. The back dented so bad. I could die for the sheer impact but there was not even a scratch on my body. Maz was in panic when she learned about the accident. We wanted to stay at the clinic because I have no car to take Maz from the hotel to the clinic, but one of the staff there insisted that we stayed at the hotel and not at the clinic (they have rooms for patients), Of course her boss was not happy for losing a week's room rent from us. I thanked God that nobody was in jured. 

The incident became big news. The next day, the buzz was on. There have been many bizarre things happened in the clinic such as the sound of crying, people talking and, baby footsteps climbing the sauna wall, patients and staff get depressed when it's dark etc.

I made my own theory. I was in a very fragile state of mind with lots of of negative feelings, the weakest point at that time. I guess there is already a negative force around there and saw me as a potential victim to get into. It was easy to get into the mind of such a depressed, sad person and I was in such state of mind. But reciting ayatul Kursyi all the way probably saved me from being possessed I don't know, I maybe wrong, Justin, my son-in-law said it was because I accelerated unconsciously or maybe due to some mechanical failure of the car. That was his explanation.

After this incident one after another bizarre stories came out about the place which formerly  belonged to a couple of pious Indian Muslims who have passed away and the house was left unoccupied for quite a long time. 

Well, I leave this to your imagination and your theory but what happened to me was real. After this incident Maz didn't want me to drive again. She feared for my safety.

She was such a protective daughter who cared for my well-being even while she was seriously ill. 

I miss her so. I love you Maz till the end of my days.

Al-Fatihah

Life stood still for a while

The photo above was taken in May 2014, the day we were going to Pantai Hospital to find out  about her surgery,

It's 39 days since Maz, my second daughter, passing due to stomach cancer (9 March 2015). It was a long and painful 9 months struggle for her to deal with her cancer. Least to say, my family and I was devastated. For a while I was numbed. Tears swelled my eyes with the slightest memory. I could not sleep, eat and be at peace. Intrusive memory, flashbacks, regrets etc etc haunted me every second. I lost a daughter whom I depended on so much, whom I knew would take care of me but she was gone. How can that be.,....,Visiting her grave almost everyday, praying, reading the Quran, Rania and Gabe kept me sane. The pain of grieving is not over yet and I grieve alone but today I decided to put whatever in my mind into writing again. It may not describe accurately how I feel but it will help to relieve me of my sadness though tears keep flowing while typing.
Rania's 5th birthday yesterday made me decide to open the computer again and to tell my story. Believe  me, there are so much to tell and to share, hoping whoever reads my blog will understand a mother's pain of losing a child, I would like to share my experience of caring for a cancer patient who is close to her/his heart - the mistakes. the frustrations, the hopes and the endless prayers. As I told Tony, Maz's former KFC boss, I wish no parents should go through the pain of seeing their child seriously sick but that's not to be. It's God's will that some parents would go through this pain.
I owe so much to so many people especially her friends who truly cared for her. I admire my daughter for being able to sustain sincere friendship and being able to maintain it. Help came in many ways to her. My love and gratitude to Fardan who was always there to cater for Maz's requests, regardless of what and when. Aznul, her other close friend and Rok who made waiting more bearable when we took her to Al-Hidayah, Roshni who cooked for her favourite dish, and Fazlina who helped deal with her insurance issues and visited her to give her courage as she has experienced caring for her late husband who had cancer. I have not met Atikah but I want to say thank you for giving cash RM10,000.00 in her hand for her treatment, She shed tears with her head on my shoulder. There were a few other friends who contributed cash to help her get the best treatment.  To Amin, her friend and former boss, the RM100,000.00 for the projects she completed disappeared within a month to pay for her hospital bills and treatment,
We were so worried as to how to get her to Johor Baharu for her Hyperthermia treatment. Dr, Radzi's clinic there is the only clinic that offers this treatment for cancer patients in this region. She needed a place to stay where I could cook for her limited diet. Living in Hotel was not viable. Allah is so great. In our dire need, her oncologist, Dr, Radzi, offered his apartment in JB for us to stay for free. May Allah bless you Dr, Radzi. He saw that Maz's case is complicated and more critical to get the treatment. We owe you much for your dedication to help my lovely daughter and she was grateful and happy. Our transport problem to ferry her with the wheelchair to and from the clinic was taken care of by Tony who directed his driver to take us to and from the clinic every time she had treatment. Yetty, Dr. Radzi's staff and weekend maid helped me to take care of her. It was tough for me to take care of her alone especially on treatment days. The staff at Dr. Radzi's Oncology Clinic in JB was wonderful. They gave her full attention. Thank you Fiza, Cik Non, Mimi, Vinni and others for your dedication.
My most heartfelt gratitude is to Najidah who helped me since the day Maz was diagnosed with cancer. She's more a daughter to me who took care of my worries over my apartment in PD, the move back to PJ, and the heaps of households things that I hoard for years. Without her devotion to help I would be drowned. She is a savior for my sanity. My love and endless thanks to you, Najidah. May Allah bless you with good health and happiness. I remember Maz told me when Najidah came to stay at her house at weekends, she said Najidah's presence somehow calmed her down although they didn't converse much. She liked it when Najidah was around. Bless you my love. To all my former students and colleagues who contributed cash, prayers and words of courage, I thank you for your kindness. I am sorry for not being able to write down every name for fear I might leave some. Bless your kind hearts,
There are many people especially Maz's friends whom I didn't mention here such as Azlina, Melati and Maizura who were her childhood friends and others who have been so kind and helpful. Please forgive her for refusing to see all of you during her illness. She didn't want you all to pity her when you see her condition.
My daughter, Maz, must be a very nice person for being able to have so many faithful friends around her during her difficulty. I am really proud of her,
True what the old saying says " Kawan bersuka ramai, Kawan menangis kita seorang", It happened to me.
I am still struggling inside. InsyaAllah I will get over it.
Al-Fatihah.....

Cancer devastated my life

I don't have cancer. My beloved second daughter was diagnosed a 4th stage ovarian cancer on 24th May 2014. My world collapsed. My body shook and cold sweat wet my palms. How can it be? She is active, taking care of herself and doing well in her job and has no symptoms (or maybe she didn't realize it). Her surgery was scheduled on 30th May. By this time she has experienced pain in her stomach. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat and tears poured down easily. Everybody told me to be strong. How can I when my heart is breaking and aching and I am frightened, frightened of losing my child to cancer. This is what real pain is. It's painful, painful oh so painful!!!!I wish I could trade my life with her. But it was a reality that I have to face.
I began to suffer painful flashback. In 1960 I saw my  mother collapsed on the doorstep when she came bringing some medicine for her dying son who suffered brain tumour. She grieved for a long time and no one seemed to understand her, including me. I felt bad and guilty.  I was frightened and angry.
I called Sheila asking for help to do hypnosis for my daughter and I. It helped. I got a grip on myself and braced myself for her surgery. Maz was calm and I am proud to see her handling her shock, despair and fear as something she has to face. Thank you Sheila, you helped both us to face the reality and be brave.
Most of all, I am much indebted to her friends, Fardan especially, and Aznul, who stood by and helped her to get through this difficult time. They gave Maz their full attention, time and money to find the best doctors and the best medical advice they could get. Fardan was more than a friend  He was like my son whom we leaned on. We didn't know what was the best action. We were confused, grief-stricken and helpless. Maz was taken to get the best cancer specialists' advice in the country before  she agreed to do the surgery in Pantai Hospital, Bangsar. I am indebted to all her devoted friends for their kind support and help. In my prayer, I ask Allah to bless them and to murahkan rezeki and to give them good health, insyallah. I began to admire my daughter. She must be a very nice individual herself to get so many caring friends around her. I am proud of her.
Her cancer was extensive. She has cancer on her stomach, ovaries and her liver. It was a major surgery. I died several times while waiting, The surgery was successful but the cancer in her liver cannot be removed. She was put in ICU for 3 days. While this life catastrophe hit my family and I was in turmoil, where was her father, you might ask. Well, he was holidaying in US with bis wife and flew back for her surgery but immediately left to join his wife there again while his daughter was battling with life and death in ICU. I was enraged and disgusted. I could never do that and I would cancel my holiday to be with my daughter whether she approves or not. That's what a mother is - never abandon their children. Of course he shed the same crocodile tears as before. The bottom line is, he doesn't really care and has superficial love. This father has no 'b****'. How could he leave when his daughter was still not stable just because his wife was left alone in US that he has to crawl there to join her? Why can't he ask her to come back and he be there to support and console his daughter in her time of need? Is his daughter is so insignificant that he has the heart to leave her immediately after such a major surgery? Even animals know how to show love and compassion by standing by their young. I felt like puking thinking of this hypocrisy. Life would be better if he doesn't exist in this world!
On second thought, I am glad I am there with my daughter alone as I have promised her that I would be there with her, no matter what.    
Alhamdulillah, she is OK now and will focus on the next step - her treatment. Please pray for her.

Handicraft for visually impaired

My tutorial session with En. Fazlin of MAB was postponed. He had a class of 5 young people who are visually impaired and need the training more urgently.  So I hope in June I can make a private tutoring sessions with him to master the computer and iPhone. Since I an not using my laptop so often now and do less reading and watching TV, I have to find something to keep me busy. My search through internet suggests decoupage.

Decoupage class at Craft Heavens 240414

The ladies proudly showing off their decoupage bags. I am the shorty in the group.

My colourful decoupage tote, my first masterpiece.. 240414

My second decoupage tote.

I enrolled myself in a decoupage class at Craft Heavens and learn the techniques under close supervision from Suni, the instructor. I was as proud as a peacock to see the result, my first masterpiece. The second attempt was not as good because my technique is still weak. It is meant to be a present to someone who has helped me in many ways. I just hope my weak technique will not be so noticeable. I really noticed the weakness in my eyesight. With weak eyesight cutting decoupage papers is a big problem but as a friend said I can always ask for help, which I am not too keen to do.

The water-transfer decoupage on water bottle.

Water bottle decoupage

Recycle olive oil bottle decorated with crayon and silver glitters. Good for vase.

Sister-in-law, Juriah taught me how to do water-transfer decoupage and using crayon to decorate recycle bottles. Though these activities do not really strain my eyes, I have an acute realization that it would be difficult for me to continue if I lose my sight. But for now my time is fruitfully occupied.

Painted recycle glass bottle using shading technique.

When I was young, I was always interested in handicraft. In secondary school, I have a teacher who taught me how to knit and to understand the instruction from knitting books. In Form 3, I knitted my own cardigan and top.  I did crochet too and crochet dresses and matching caps for my two daughters. Tatting, cross- stitch, quilting and embroidery occupied my time beside studying. Unfortunately, in my condition now, it's not possible to do these again.

Glass painting, class work

Glass painting on recycle bottles.

Gold outlined glass bottle paintings.

glass painting on medium size Acai berry juice bottle.

I always believe to recycle things rather than throwing them away. I take organic bilberry juice regularly and the bottles are nice. So I took up an hour course on glass painting at Creative Cottage. I found that I like doing glass painting more. Olive oil bottles, juice bottles and many other nice looking bottles will find it with new paintings. I hope I can sell them at the mosque shop and the money will go  into the mosque kitty to help the unfortunates. I just pray I can continue to do this for a long time more and that my sight does not let me down.  

Painted toilet rolls to put electrical wires.

 The wires of many electrical gadgets in the house such as hair dryer, hand phone, rice cooker etc etc result in messy wires. To keep the wires tidy and easy to find, I painted the inside of toilet paper and keep different wires in separate rolls. It makes my life a bit easier.
Sight is very important. Without it, life is handicapped. Take good care of your eyes.

Birthday Boy and Girl 2014

Gabe turned  2 on 24 March 2014 and Rania is 4 years old on 16 April 2014. The birthday parties for both grandchildren are small and quietly involved family members only. Gabe had a bigger crowd of relatives as he has more uncles and aunties and cousins to dote on him, While Rania has only an uncle and an auntie on his mother's side and a nenek. she has more uncles and aunties on his dad's side but they are in Australia. But the parties went on and the birthday kids were just as happy especially when opening their birthday presents.

Gabe wearing his birthday cap at his birthday party 230314

It's Gabe's birthday but his cousins were busy blowing his birthday candles.

Blow kids blow. Gabe with cousins Delia and Rania 230314

Gabe was fascinated with the little cars which rolled down the tiny ram.

Birthday boy, Gabe with parents, Kak Rania and Nenek.

Rania wearin the eye mask at Gabe's birthday

The birthday boy received  cars after cars - tiny, big and bigger while Rania received the girlie things like Queen Lisa's attire with tiara and all, sleeping baby, microphone. She has a grand time belting 'Let it Go' of Frozen using the microphone. We wondered whether she's going to be a singer or gets herself involved in performing arts. While Gabe, we think, would get himself into cars like racing. His father is aiming to introduce him to go-kart when he is a bit bigger.

Rania singin 'Let It Go' with audience Gabe 200414

Rania singing accompanied by her guitar. 200414

Rania got a loving birthday hug from Misha at her school birthday party. 160414 

Rania with class friends, Misha and Ian celebrating Rania's 4th birthday. 160414

The birthday girls, Rania admiring her Frozen birthday cake. 200414

cousins

Rania had 2 parties - one in her school on the 16 April, her real 4th birthday and the other on Sunday, 20 April for the family.

Kak Rania taking care of Gabe at Aquaria 240314

Geli hati. Rania tried to figure out what Pak Su is doing. 240314

While Gabe had his birthday party on 23 March but spent his actual birthday visiting Aquaria with his parents, Nenek and Kak Rania, the next day
I am so proud of my grandchildren. They are my life, bringing me much joy and happiness. I hope to have much more joy in the future with them and see them grow up to be fine boy and girl. Insyaallah.
Love you much much Rania and Gabe. You must know that wherever I go you two are permanently engraved  in my heart.

Rania doing the bridge at her gymnastic class watched by her instructor. 

At gymnastic class with Ira, her classmate.

Rania at Hot Baloon Fair in Putrajaya

Rania is a busy little missie now. Every Sunday she attends gymnastic class and seems to enjoy it. Weekends mean outing with her parents. The same thing with Gabe. He is weaning himself out from clinging to his parents and soon he will be independent, doing his own thing. I love to see him smile and laugh. His deep dimples make him look so adorable. 

Dialogue In the Dark

Thank you Stevens, the president of Glaucoma Society, for encouraging me to visit the Dialogue in the Dark at Petrosains in Suria KL on 7 May 2014 which ends at the end of May. It was a really humbling experience for me to go through a simulation exercise on how living in the dark is like. It was frightening at first but I gradually gained confidence to feel, to hear to taste, to smell and to get used to the darkness. That was what it would be like if I lose my sight due to advanced glaucoma. Though I harbour some fear in the deep of my heart, I feel it's not hopeless at all. Thank you Nawal for taking me through the process and thank you Michell for sharing with me on how glaucoma took away your sight 8 years ago and how you coped with it. I had tears in my eyes interacting with all of you  who give me so much courage and hope.
I learned that I am not so in tune with using my sense of feeling and hearing in solid darkness but it thrilled me to be able to identify certain things in the short dark journey. The white cane helped me to avoid hindrances and to take me to Nawal's voice. No matter how independent a visually handicapped person is, he/she still needs some degree of help from others and knowing how/what to help is important for sighted people to learn.
From newspaper report, I read that Stevens is working hard to bring into Malaysia guide dogs for visually impaired people. I applaud this effort and I will be interested to have one if the time comes but hope it would be within my means. These are working dogs with specific duties and they are trained and committed to the jobs they are supposed to do. I hope Malaysian government and Malaysians are open-minded and educated enough to accept their presence in different places. Please do not use religion as an excuse for small-minded attitude.
Personally, I would really encourage the public to visit Dialogue in the Dark, especially my children who don't seem to fully comprehend the situation I am in.
May Allah grants me my prayer for many more years of sighted life.  

Visually impaired

Today I started attending a short tutorial session with a tutor, En. Fadzlin of the Malaysian Association for the Blind in Brickfields. Thank you En. Silatrurrahim for your kind attention and help in arranging this session as I need to learn the intricacies of using iPhone and computer for the visually impaired. I am full of admiration on how deft their fingers are at typing, touching, scrolling and searching what they want from their computer programs.
My relationship with MAB is quite recent but the people I have in contact with were marvelous. Pn. Sumitha, a glaucoma victim, is the Principal shared a lot of eye-opening experience of what the visually impaired people need. The few visually impaired people I talked to told me that I am lucky that my sight is taken away gradually and that now I can still drive and do my own things. En. Mano lost his sight after 3 months of glaucoma after a car accident. A delightful, smiling young man, Jason, who lost his sight at the age of 17, due to brain tumor is most encouraging. Now 23, he is a second year law student at a local college, shared with me that he had difficulty in accepting his condition at first but adjusted his life well and has a goal to achieve. Most of his friends have girl-friends but he has not. Though he didn't sound despondent, he must be feeling something. So we talked about the time he would qualify as a lawyer, earning his own living, independent and the girls will be there for him, blind or not. He just needs to focus now and insyallah, thing will fall into place. Furthermore, he is a good-looking young man. He thinks I don't need to learn braille as I am not sitting for exam and that  many reading materials that I would need could be downloaded with voice over. At my age, I should avoid stress - a wise advice.
My tutor, En. Fadzlin, lost his sight at the age of 13, was able to finish his STPM, gained various working experiences before settling in teaching in MAB. He also shared stories of his young days as a student in school when blind students did not receive the attention they should receive. It didn't stop him from doing what he wanted to do. Now with 2 growing sighted daughters, they receive the guidance and support from their blind father. I suppose they are lucky compared to many children with sighted parents who neglected their children.
Talking to these few strengthened my belief that universities should accept blind students in counselling course and in many courses offered. There is a dire need for visually impaired counsellors to deal with issues experiencing by the visually impaired people. Only a visually impaired counsellor could understand their true feeling and emotion as they live in that world. I can understand their feelings but I know I wouldn't be able to put myself in their shoes and really internalize exactly their feeling, emotion and experience. I hope the power that be in the government and Ministry of Education is open enough to realize this and give the OKU the opportunities they deserve. Many of them are intelligent and can go far if given the attention and opportunities as normal individuals. Once they are in higher institutions of higher learning, they should be confident enough to let their lecturers or instructors know about their handicap and not just sit back and hope everyone understands and supports them. Lecturers are human beings, they can't read what you need, unless you tell them, not for sympathy but to present your case. I made mistake too for not knowing that a student was hearing impaired until way into the semester when his friend told me so. I was sorry for being hard on him but displeased he didn't come up to tell me. After that his seat was right in front of me. I suppose fear of strict lecturer and shame stopped him from coming forward. I believe there are many disabled people could excel if given the same opportunities as sighted people.
I hope universities and Ministry of Education do not give the same aged-old excuses such as, not accessible, not equipped, not capable, not ready, no facilities, no budget etc. etc. etc. All these excuses can be overcome almost immediately. Have a heart!!
I have 4 more sessions to attend and many more new experiences to come.